Humanity is centered around others, we’re an inherently social species. Building and curating relationships with others is an important skill to have. But when problems arrive, being able to settle them and come out better than you were before is perhaps the most vital skill of all. 

I found that the way to resolve conflicts boils down to these five steps: breathe, schedule, express, identify, and resolve. 

I applied these steps in a fight with my parents. I was sitting at home, hangry and exhausted after a long day of sophomore year, when I was confronted by my parents about my math grade. My teacher had called them to ask if everything was all right, since my grade had dropped, to which my mom explained that I had been struggling with my mental health. My first instinct was to shout, because how could she share something like that with my teacher? 

Instead, I took a breath.

Breathing helps to clear your mind, which is key to finding a solution, an article from The University of Utah’s Environmental Dispute Resolution blog said. According to the article, people react to how others behave, so remaining calm increases the likelihood that the other person will too. By breathing, I was able to calm myself down enough to think rationally about the issue.

Once you’ve found out about what happened and calmed yourself down, the second step is to schedule. It is crucial to find a time and place where both parties are free and not distracted. If you have a conflict with your friend, you should talk to them when they can be fully focused on you, and not while they are trying to study for a test. 

It’s important to have these conversations in person. Online communication can frequently lead to misunderstandings, according to The Berkeley Beacon, the University of California Berkeley’s college paper. This is especially relevant to high schoolers, since up to 95 percent of teenagers use a social media platform, the National Library of Medicine reported. As a result, many choose to hide behind a screen in arguments. 

The third step is to express how you feel. As corny and awkward as it may feel, use “I” statements to focus on your perspective.

“I feel overwhelmed when you detail your expectations for me.” 

“I feel ignored when you push me to the side in conversations.”

These statements focus on how you feel instead of blaming the other person, and help the other person understand your perspective. When my parents approached me about my grades, I told them that it made me feel invaded and vulnerable that they had shared such personal information about me without asking me first.

The fourth step is to identify the root of the conflict. The root of conflict often stems from lack of communication, conflict of interest, or different personalities, according to Advanced Mediation Solutions. Sometimes when you can find the core of the issue, you can prevent it from escalating.

When it came to my math grades, we found that the root of the problem was miscommunication. My mom had thought that I was more upfront with people about what I was going through, and that it was okay to share.

The last step, and maybe most obvious, is to resolve the conflict. You have found the root of the problem, and you have shared how it makes you feel. Negotiate and find a solution that works for both you and the other person.

It was a miscommunication, and my parents now knew how I felt about it. We were able to have a meaningful conversation about it and came to the resolution that I would try harder in the class, and my parents would talk to my teacher and ask them not to talk to me about it in class. By the end of the conflict, we all felt better about my grades and happy that the conflict did not escalate into something greater.

Conflict in high school is a given, but knowing how to solve it is not. 

Reach out to your counselor, to a social worker, to the therapist at the health center, or other local mental health resources for help to deal with conflicts. For more urgent issues, Text a Tip and 988, the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, are available resources. Next time you are tackling a situation, try these five steps. You might just be able to turn chaos into consensus.