“Your hair looks really good—when it’s straight.”
The first part of that sentence was nice to hear, a compliment on the hair style I worked so hard to achieve. After I heard the next words, I felt worse. The comment gave me the impression that my naturally wavy hair only looks nice when straightened, making me feel obligated to subject my hair to my straightener much more often.
Backhanded compliments like this have left me wondering about the sincerity of comments made about me. Are the compliments genuine, or just double-edged, judgemental statements?
A compliment should only have a positive connotation and nothing more.
Backhanded compliments disguise passive aggressive jabs as flattery and have very little kindness woven into them, according to The Harvard Gazette. When someone tells you a compliment that makes you feel worse, it isn’t a compliment at all.
Many people spew backhanded compliments to appear more likeable or to try and gain more respect amongst their peers. However, the condescending words that follow the flattering statement can make the person appear less sincere and amiable, harming the perception of the person making the comment, according to The Harvard Gazette.
The most offensive backhanded compliments include stereotyping, according to a 2018 Harvard Business School study.
This category of backhanded compliments hit me hard during the months of March through October. Even though I am a huge Chicago Cubs fan, this past baseball season, I have stayed quiet when talking about baseball around certain people to avoid snide remarks. Hearing “You know a lot about sports—for a girl,” undermines my knowledge because of my gender. Stereotyping like this has made me back away from engaging in conversations about topics I care about.
No matter what the “compliment” is, if what someone says has a negative connotation, it is not the flattering statement we all wish it was. I should not feel the need to pick apart statements that make me feel worse about myself and question the intent of others.
A compliment isn’t meant to cut. It should simply be kind.
