WHAT NOT TO SAY DURING THE DRIVING TEST:

(especially if your DMV examiner is an angry middle-aged man who smells bad.)

“What’s that smell? Do you smell that?”
“I’m really nervous. Sorry if I like…crash us.”
“KIDDING. That was a joke.”
“In neutral…whoops.”
“Woah, why would someone leave a shopping cart there? Did you do that to like…mess me up?”
“Wait, it’s a red. I can’t turn left, right?”
“This one time…I turned left on a red. I forgot it wasn’t just a stop sign.”
“Yeah, my mom was freakin’ out and screaming and stuff.”
“So what’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you during one of these things?”
“Oh my God. I seriously thought that dog was jumping out in front of us, he looked all skittish…I’m so sorry!”
“Yikes. Your neck’s all red. What’s that called again, whiplash?”
“I should not have worn these shoes; I keep pressing the wrong pedal.”
“What are you writing down? ‘This girl is a freak’? Probably.”
“But actually…how does this point system work?”
“Wait, I don’t have to parallel park? Well…F that. Practiced for nothing.”
“We made it! Sorry about your neck, again.”
“So…did I pass?”
“OH MY GOD! I LOVE YOU. Seriously, thank you.”

WHAT NOT TO DO ONCE YOU HAVE YOUR LICENSE:

Don’t tell people you’re a good driver after the first week…that’s obnoxious.
Don’t confuse the gas with the break, unless you want to experience one of the scariest dilemmas on this planet. Reversing out
of control at high speeds? That’s always good.
Don’t cut across three lanes of traffic without checking your blind spot.
Don’t come to a complete stop and then turn red on a photo-enforced light that has warning signs everyzwhere. Unless you
want your dad to watch the video and call you an idiot.
Don’t “half-blow” a red light…as in slam on your breaks and try to reverse halfway through the intersection.
Don’t cause your passenger to hit her head on the window because you’re trying to show off by swerving all over the place.
Rude.
Don’t respond to a creepy 50-year-old man in a Jaguar who is trying to drag race you because his big ego was wounded when
he noticed that you were going faster than he was.
Don’t be that annoying person who doesn’t move over to let someone pass you on the highway. Get over it.
Don’t grab the wrong part of the gas handle when it’s not in your car and subsequently douse yourself in gasoline. Just a
thought.
Don’t slam on your breaks because the light turns yellow. That’s amateur hour stuff.
Don’t get pulled over. It’s not fun no matter how long you’ve been driving, but it’s way worse as a new driver. If you do get
pulled over, be ready to talk (or cry) yourself out of it.
Don’t text and drive, or tweet and drive, or take a picture while driving. Seriously though, you’re bound to rear-end someone,
or do something much worse, if you haven’t already.
Don’t drive in and out of the GBS parking lot like a maniac with music blasting. No one thinks better of you for it.
Don’t lock your keys inside your car. Along with your cellphone. Especially not at a gas station, in your pajamas. Unless you
enjoy awkward and embarrassing situations.